I’m walking through the back roads of Woodstock, New York. A melting snow crackles underfoot and the icy clean air expands my lungs as a family of deer saunter past. Mom gazes back at me and we hold eye contact. She accepts me as her neighbor, as her friend, and I smile. I’m wearing the Canada Goose I’ve had since 12th grade, a nostalgic item now rebranded as the thing that saved my life on an ill-fated 2021 Icelandic adventure. Curated love songs shuffle in my ears as I daydream about my future ‘first dance’. Soundproof headphones bubble-wrap me inside my thoughts as I narrowly avoid a car speeding by. I walk and walk, surpassing 20,000 steps, and one thought prevails.
The concept of change.
I’ve never been good at change. I’ve never been happy about it. I’ve never sought it out. My self-professed greatest flaw is the level to which I entrap myself within safety and comfort and stasis. As long as something is ‘good enough’, it’s better than the thing unknown.
This is not an ideal way to go through life. It goes without saying but I’ll say it nonetheless: you need change in order to grow.
I know this, but I hate this. I pretend to be different but my soul has nowhere to hide. I want to grow, evolve, explore, experience, but if given the choice to stay or to go, to risk and to try and be bold, or to not… my choice will 9 times out of 10 be the safe one. Frankly, I do not like this about myself.
As I watch mother deer(east) walk off, I pull out my phone and open Notes. Fingers too numb to type, I dictate through Siri the following.
The idea of change is too daunting. I need to reframe this as new experiences.
When you force the need to change upon yourself, it’s easy to overwhelm or retreat. When you preface the word “change” with “big”, it heightens the stakes, the pressure, the inevitable spiral of anxiety that threatens to lock me out of my body forever. One look in the mirror may reveal myself an Exorcist spinoff - but instead of the devil it’s fear that’s possessed me.
Change is necessary to live a full life. To grow as a human. We know this. We do. I do. I swear. Stop yelling at me about it. But the thought bubble floating out of me and up into the Catskills reminds me that I don’t actually fear change. I fear permanence. I fear the indefinite. I fear the forever unknown. Change is only change for those few transitional moments. Then it just is.
If you only ever wear all black, and one random Tuesday your Grandma went to TJ-Maxx and saw a boldly patterned dress she thought would look great on you and so she bought it and now really wants you to wear it despite you having a very strict self-determined uniform… I bet you’ll be uncomfortable wearing it. But I also bet you won’t be reeling in horror, falling to the floor with anxiety. That’s because it’s not permanent, it’s not life-altering, it’s one small thing, one small day. You’re not being forced to donate every very similar black shirt you own and swap them out for sequins. You can breathe.
But even the life-altering changes can be reframed. Rather than preparing for an all-too-daunting huge unpredictable unknowable change about to tip my world upside down… I’d like to prepare for a new experience. It’s not end all, be all, for eternity. It’s one thing, I am going to explore, and experience, and see where it leads, and if it leads nowhere then with my head held high I can walk away with a brand new story to tell. That sounds amazing. Nothing to fear at all.
The next time I too tightly spin myself into my unbreakable cocoon of safety, talking myself out of even giving something a chance, I’ll scream in reframe: “I am experiencing something new and that is so exciting. I AM EXPERIENCING SOMETHING NEW. THIS IS SO EXCITING.”
Reframing Reframing Reframing. Maybe eventually I’ll even trick ms. anxiety.
I let my thoughts drift off as my eyes wander the wilderness. Taking in a heart shaped fallen leaf and the smallest chipmunk I’ve ever seen and big bold letters on a bright yellow sign reminding me to slow down.
I switch my playlist to an Insight Timer meditation and breathe deeply. I swear there’s nothing better than a breath of crisp, clean air. LA, do better.
I listen attentively to the words of “Amy L.”, today’s spirit guide. She tells me, with a jolt:
“Personal, professional, or spiritual goals can act as a compass, guiding us on our journey towards the alignment we are seeking.
Change is hard but I’ll controversially state: only when you let it be. I’m telling myself this more than you. Change is good. Change is adventure. Change doesn’t have to be ominous and “huge”. It can simply be what you make it. A new, cool, future story. A new skill you’ll proudly teach your kids, a belly laugh bringing tears to your eyes. It’s an opening, a window into the abundance of possibilities in the life before us, the life ahead of us.
I’m realizing that the comfortable, unmoving, un-changing existence is actually the thing to fear. That’s the real horror story. I’m desperate to change my ways. I write this to hold myself accountable. Life is waiting.
It’s time to plant my feet, do a superman pose, open the damn door to the expansive universe, make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway… into an exciting unknown. A new experience. Join me if you dare.